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1.10.2009
I made a new blog to blogger. Mostly because it's much easier to update (and I can only update this page from home with the ftp program and such) and because you can comment in blogger! Heeeeee ^__^
Here is the link to the new blog. This blog will stay here but will no longer be updated. I am posting the new blog url at the gallery main site too so you'll be able to find it easily. See you there. And please do comment if you feel like it. *^_^*
~ Z <3
21.9.2009
First day at school after the 12 months break. I had to visit the student-office once, the student library (for a entrypass) two times, the student advicor three times, was in school for 6 hours, from which 3 hours of class (computer mechanics), 20 minutes eating and the rest trying to get some things done, like renewing my student license. Funnnnn. XP
I introduced myself to my new classmates, who I know none before this. I sat through the three classes without freaking out and burst into crying outside the cafeteria when I tried to go to eat. Thank goodness my friend Anu came to rescue and I could go eat with her. The crowd in the cafeteria was just waaaay too much to handle.
I got home, went for a walk with mom, got home and tried not to fall asleep and did fall asleep and slept for 1,5 hours. When I woke up I felt so horny that I got out my toys and... BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRCRSHhichic--r---r------------------------. My last fucking toy broke(5th one in two years)! I went to shower and ran to the store where I get my toys from, only to find out it had closed five minutes earlier.
AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I know I still have fingers and some toys that don't need batteries, but you cannot get the results with those that you can get with the toy that got broken. Damnit. XP
... and now I am going to draw some porn. Sajore & Xir'ag porn. >=D
~ Z
19.9.2009
Hiyaaaa! I got rid of the Kidney stone! No operation was neccessary because it had just dissapeared when they took a new x-ray at the beginning of this week. \^_^/ At the same time I could quit eating 9 different pills daily and could again see my friends and... on Monday I'm going back to school! I am soo horrified that I can't do it, but I am still going to do it. XD I saw a big group of friends today and it was so relaxing and so exhausting, I am so damn tired now. But at the same time I am so happy I can see people again and enjoy life to it's fullest. XD
But I also managed to draw some hot mansexing, so it was inspiring to meet other perverst. ;D My temper is much worse now than it was before and I am not so ready to do anything people tell me to do. I'm also a little afraid I lost two friends during the sickness; I had to isolate myself for a month and two of my friends got so so angry at me because I refused to see them. They sent me angry messages and got furious when I told them I had visited a bookstore. =O
We haven't talked since and I'm afraid that friendship will never return to normal. I am so angry at them treating me like that, that I am not about to apologise for being sick. Grrr. Anyways... I am so damn horny. And I miss the Iraqi guys body so damn much. And I want to get laid again. Urrrr. And there are guys who wouldn't mind, the opposite, but none of them flare me like I want to feel. Sigh, so I wait for someone special. At least I got toys... ;P
So, now that I'm better and have much more energy to do stuff, school will probably steal most of my freetime (I have to selfstudy about 5 courses), but I am trying to update the site as much as I can. And I will never drop the story, it's slow going but it's continuing. I also have plenty of new pics of my boys (and girls) to show when I do update again ^_^
Until then, here's something new: 
Joni and Cristo trying a little ponyplay. ;) WARNINGS: NC-17/K-18, Bondage, Nudity. <3
~ Z
23.8.2009
Hiiiya lovely people! <3 It's been a while again since I last wrote here and a lot of stuff has happened in the meantime. (Two weeks till school starts, OMG!)
I had to go to a hospital because of a horrible stomach pains about 2 weeks ago. Got to ride an ambulance (<3) and all. They sent me back home when the pain went away, but then it came back again, night after night, until 5 days later I had to go to the ER again because the pain had not stopped for over 12 hours.
They took blood tests and urine tests and all sorts of tests and an ultrasound and finally discovered that I have a kidney stone (an urolith). It's a small stone in the uretel that keeps sending these horrid, really powerful pains all through the stomach. I was in hospital for 3 days and was released, with the stone still inside me. I now have to drink tons of water a day and pee, pee and pee and hope that one day the stone will just come out on it's own. XD
I have REALLY strong meds that I take, 5 pills a day, and have to walk as much as I can so the stone would finally move. No show of it yet, but hopefully it will come out of it's own because if it doesn't, they will operate it out in 3 weeks. OWW!
Anyways; Since they took me into the hospital so suddenly, I hadn't packed anything with me, so my mom got me all the essentials (clean underwear, drawing equipment, books...) from my place while I sat in the hospital ward. And, since I don't usually get any surprise visitors, I hadn't bothered to hide any of my drawings, actually I had just taken all my hentai, yuri and yaoi pictures out from my drawing folder and they were laid on my sofa on plain sight.
And since my mom is a curious... mom, she had to look through ALL of the pictures, all my most explicit, kinky and perverted yaoi, yuri and hentai pictures. AHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAA XD Afterwards she just mentioned that she had looked through them all and now knows what a twisted pervert her daughter is. XDDDD Thank goodness she was actually grinning when she said that. =P Since then it's been a joke of ours to talk about my drawings that she doesn't get to see. =P
Not much new on the whole relationship-man-front because health has been the issue for the past few weeks. It seems I hadn't tell about the adventures with the 4th guy yet, I... uh, watched a movie with him at home one night and then I just... sexhungry monster perv that I am, attacked him, dragged him on the bed and... ended up with bitten nipples and wearing only my underwear. THANK god I didn't have sex with him (well, not intercourse... if you don't count fingers XDDDD), because afterwards, when we were sitting on my bed, the guy told me that he has NEVER done those things before. A virgin. A virgin boy on my bed. And he had hairy back. EEEEHHH! What the hell was I about to do, again? I don't even know if I ever liked him, I was just horny. But if I would have sex again, it wouldn't be with the 4th guy, you know who it would be, I've been obsessing over him since that day... Ahhhhh <3<3<3
So, yes; I've seen the Iraqi guy a few times and he still sets my heart beating so damn hard. It's not that I was in love with him, I just Want his so damn badly. He makes me so god damn horny! XDDDDD <3
Because I cannot stop thinking about him, I did what I always do when something's stuck in my head, I drew him out. ;) So, here he is (click the image for a larger view):
... I had to stylize his hair myself, because the photos I was using as a reference, had all him wearing a baseball cap, and he has really short rough black hair and I couldn't get it to look right so...
This is the only place where I will actually admit that this is him. I am going to show this pic at Deviantart, y!gallery and Facebook, but there his name will be Mr. Sin because not many of my IRL friends know about him and my obsession and adventures with him (his body ;P~). So, here is my dreamy eyed king-sized god of sex, Mr. Sin. HAHAHA XD
~ Z
5.8.2009
Completely sober tonight. I even walked for 2 hours and all, healthy. =P So, what's been happening in the strange life of Zardra. All is quite okay, but as messy as always. XD Mister number 4 stepped to the scene and he's really nice, a real pervert like me. TALL and kind. I am a little worried that once again, I've met a man who wants a relationship. Argh. I still feel this really horrible yarning for the Iraqi guy when I see him, oh god I miss him. But that can never happen. Bleah. I just want sex. And I'm tired of doing it alone. No, actually I don't want just sex, I want intimacy too, to hold someone. And to kiss. I miss kissing. U_U
School starts in a month and I'm supposed to get ready for that and all... everything. I still don't know if I'm ready to return to the "real world". I mean, I want to, but some things are just so difficult and scary and I cannot consentrate and I panic all the time and my head aches and my jaw locks and all that shit is still going on. But maybe I can make it. I try to be positive.
I doubt if my friend Ktiraam or Shuji read this thing, but if they do, I want to thank them. They are both wonderful, incredible friends who help me soooo much. <3 Thank you guys. And thank you for anyone who does read this, if anyone does. =P Because it helps to write these things up, things that it's a little difficult to talk to anyone about. ^_^
~ Z
24.7.2009
OMG it's been months since I did this: It's Friday and I have a wine bottle here. 13 episodes of Torchwood and nothing to bother my relaxing evening. AH! I am slightly tipsy, I've taken a 1,5 hour nap and been at the beach with my sister, her kids and my mom. It's been a very good day and I feel very filosofical. =P And I am (once again) so GOD DAMN HORNY! XD
I've been writing Pain and Pleasure. And at the same time I've been writing Jesse's and Gabriel's story (pics of them you can find at the gallery section ^^). And their stories have got me thinking. I mean, these things have been running in my mind since I broke up with my ex but today I thought about them again after a long while and no longer this feels like a painful subject, just an interesting one.
The broke up kind of shattered my perfect vision of the "ever lasting love". For a long while I thought that love was not possible to find in this world. But I think it actually is very possible. People just look for it too hard.
I had the one night stand with the guy I told you about earlier. Our story lasted for 3 hours. It was short, but it was still fun, erotic, he made me smile and laugh and feel absolutely incredible. For a while we had a perfect lovestory. He was my perfect match physically, I still yearn for his body when I see him, but because he wants to keep me, to restrain me, to control me, it can never be more than what it was. Brief and wonderful and I do not regret any of it. He was so gentle and so rough and so masculine and so wanting. It was just what I needed. I'm sorry he made himself angry after it, he wanted more, I had gotten exactly what I needed from him. It was a sad misunderstanding.
I don't know if I ever want to find the "love of my life". I am so happy by myself and I don't know if I want to share my life with someone else, all of it, good and bad, for the rest of it. Because I don't know if I will ever find a man who will understand all of me and I wouldn't take anything less, if I cannot be myself, then I cannot be, it's simple as that.
But I would love to feel these moments of happiness, because imagination makes it last such a long time after it's actually over. You can feel his hands on your body, his breath in your ear, his yell as he comes inside you... would real life ruin it, does "eternal love" even exist? I don't think so, not in this world. Does anyone know anyone who's had a perfect everlast lovestory?
I don't think there are people who are "meant to be with each other". There are people who run into each other, fall in love, spend wonderful moments together and then continue their life with each other or alone. It's such a struggle to be with someone for a long period of time, because you change constantly, you in 5-years time is not the same person as you are now, just as you five years ago is not the same as you are now. And to fit that new person, who is growing and changing inside you, with the person you share your life with, is very hard. And usually at some point you grow apart or fall out of love because she/he is not the person you fell in love with and you are not the person he/she fell in love with.
I feel no regret about anything in my life and I understand why we broke up with my ex. He was brave to actually say it aloud and to go away, I wouldn't have had the courage. Now, looking back, he was the perfect man, the man of my dreams, for the 18-year-old me. But then I grew out of that me and became something else, the person I am now, and that person was not the person he fell in love with. He tried to remain the same, but could not, he grew bitter and wanted to change. The only way he could change, was to leave me and go on his own way, now he can change too and be himself, I hope he will find happiness.
I've fallen in love 4 times in my life. I've had passionately love stories too, funnily enough, those were all with different men than the ones I was in love with. But they were full of passion and left me feeling good, so they were wonderful lovestories, in their own way. I believe children can fall in love too, it hurts just as much as when you are rejected and it feels just as powerful, no matter your age. Age really does not matter when it comes to love, as long as you don't forget the law. And you can never forget your first love.
All of my loves have lasted years. They only faded away when I finally realized they were never going to happen, I was never going to have that person for myself, not for a moment. I've had loooots of crushes, I have a crush in at least once a month. I have a crush on a few persons right now, but I have not fallen in love after the big break up. And I don't know if it's because I'm not ready or because I won't let myself. It's been close, but every time I have reasoned myself out of it because it has been impossible and I never want to feel that impossible love again, no matter how bittersweet it can be. And maybe I was wrong in that when I was younger, when I wanted that person for myself. I still look back fondly at those persons who I had loved, even when I didn't ever really have them. Because can you really ever have a person? You definitely cannot own another person. It is thrilling to have him/her for just even a while if you feel so strongly for them, but maybe my perspective was all wrong. But it felt right, so it mush have been right? Ah, life is so complicated.
But I do feel love, all the time, that sparkling emotion that sets your body in fire and makes your heart flutter. I feel it when I write my story, when I plan what's going to happen next, when I draw out some particularly important piece from it. I feel what they feel in the story or image, I sink into that emotion and it's so sweeeeeet, it's like liquid happiness that I get to absord for a brief moment. But it keeps my dreams alive and makes me awake at night at the lonely hours. It's sometimes lonely, but at the same time it feels so good I wouldn't change the feeling for anything.
I do hope I get to experience love in this life one day again, but I don't expect it to be "the one and only true love for eternity", it can last a day or 30 years, as long as it makes me feel truly and passionately in love and makes me smile for a long time. I want passion, love, sex, lust, kisses, touches, holding hands, giggles, laughs, smiles, happiness. And I know life will bring all of those to me, one day.
Because this is life, it's incredible, anything can happen, as long as you have dreams. <3
~ Z
13.7.2009
OMG I cannot believe I haven't actually written in here in almost two months. =O This summer has been... well, interesting would be an understatement so: incredible! In my last entry I told about those three guys who were all interested of me.
This time lets start with guy number two: We've become better friends and there seem to be less grudge against me that I cannot respond to his feelings, if there are any anymore. I think not. We're just friends. Which is great. Then, number three: I think I have a tiny crush for him. Which is kind of really bad since all he wants is sex. And even that I cannot give to him because of that underage-problem. URGH! =/ =/ =/ Number one: We went on a date and ended up fucking. XD Oh damn, I wasn't going to do that, but it just happened. And it was great, boy was I in need! And he was huge and good and we did it twice because as soon as we were done, he was ready again. DAMN! Damn because I can never have him again because he... wants us to be together for the rest of our lives. And that just would not work. A person who cannot stand gays and wants me to be his "woman". I am, physically, but I am way too masculine for someone so "macho". So, no fun. No man. No more sex.
I WANT! >=|
Other than my screwed up love life, it's been an incredible, eventful summer with a lot of stuff going on. One of my best friends got married, the wedding was beauuuutiful and really fun, we danced all night in a freezing barn (just like Sajore & Xir'ag on winter solictice). =P We had a biiiig con in our little town Lahti, unfortunately it was at the same time as the wedding so I just stopped by on sunday for a few hours. But I did get to go to a con this weekend in Helsinki and met the aaaawesome fantasy author George R. R. Martin and one of the most popular finnish cartoonist Petri Hiltunen in person and got photos taken of me with them. That was... WOAH! <3 We also had our anime clubs BIIIIG 5-year party where we played weird drinking games, went to sauna and swam. Half of the guys were naked all night, a few of them were really nice sights. Some less nice, ahahahaaa XD XD XD And then there was Gay Pride 09, which was beyond all awesomeness. AHHHHHH <3 Orgasmic.
Summer continues. <3 I'll write more when something interesting happens again... and when I find time to drop by. I haven't forgotten this place. <3
22.5.2009
I am sooo confused. So, I am depressed, I am not capable of working or going to school, I have an anxiety/panic disorder. I have been doing okay so far. Every day life I can handle, and sometimes even a little bit of stress, organizing stuff, travelling, trying to solve issues and so on.
And now... I have a situation where I have never been before. I have three men who have all made it clear they are interested of me. This is... new. What am I going to do? One of them is from Iraq, a muslim, a great great guy but I don't think he could ever accept the fact that I... that my life is my art, and my art is homoerotic. It just doesn't work.
The second guy is one of my best friends. A really great guy who I can talk about almost everything with. But he just... completely is not my type. He is an awesome guy but I feel no attraction towards him. U_U
And the third is a really cute guy, a funny and attractive guy who likes my art and has a great sense of humour. And he is... 16 years old. To remind you, I am 29. I am not allowed to touch him. It's against the law. Aw shit! And I feel so god damn attracted to him. But no, I cannot, it's not allowed and I am not going to break the law, but it's agone. Pure agony. He is so mature and aaaaargh! *suffers*
Oh SIGH! Three men and nobody that I could really be with. Funfunfun. I am so fucking horny it's making me mewl and moan and rip the sheets apart but what can I do... but to suffer and wait for the fourth, maybe he/she will be the right one for me. UGH.
~ Zardra
2.5.2009
Don't know where to even begin with this. I'm still on sick leave. Still horny, still drawing porn and thinking about naughty stuffs. HAHA XD And still alive and... well, not well exactly but alive =P
I visited my dear friends Caratra and Namochan a while ago, which was absolutely awesome. After that I've felt a lot better. Friends are a wonderful thing. <3
This week we had the Finnish holiday "Vappu"; may day here and I've been hanging out and running around with friends for the last 72 hours. We started the Vappu by hanging out all day with friends and at night going to the lake park near by. It was reaaally crowded and there were at least 4 police cars circling around the lake the whole time. The night lasted until 3 am until almost everyone fell asleep. my friends Shuji and Meablie stayed at my place for the night.
In the morning the girls left and I had a few hours to prepare for the next day of partying until Ktiraam arrived. We went to the Vappu market place and I brought lime-green fairy wings. We met a few more friends; W and Gaynir, and went to the lake park for a picnic, where a dozen more friends joined us. <3
We sat there for several fun hours until it was time to hit the movies, we went to see Wolverine. OMG what a movie, OMG what men. OMG Gambit. OMG Wolverine. Those men are like gods, mo god they are HOT! Aaaaah!
After the movie we continued hanging out until we were tiiiiired. Shuji, Meablie and Ktiraam all stayed the night. In the morning me and Ktiraam continued by going to our anime/manga club, where we met more friends and were introduced to this guy who looks drop-dead-gorgeous in dresses. He agreed to model for me, OMG!
This has been such a perfect 3 days that I am still feeling amazingly happy ^_____^ I'm gonna post photos later. <3
You wanna get a Vappu treat? It's only a WIP and this is PORN, but here's something small ;P (I know, Xir'ag has to be about a meter long to actually reach where he's aiming at, OOPS XD) Link below:
8.3.2009
- "Do you like strap-ons or fistfucking?"
- 7 new friend requests from men I've never met
- 4 porn images of women's pussy's full of vibrators and fingers
- "I love you!"
- "MAY I CUM ?"
- "Ahhhh that's a tight fit."
- "Permission to penetrate!"
... as just a few examples of the things I've had come across this week in Facebook after joining a group about Bondage. @_@
Really, what in the bloody hell! Do they really think someone wants to meet a person like that? Besides, I couldn't meet them since they are across the world from meeeee! I've never seen any of these persons pictures and know nothing about them (except their ages and countries they are from). I've had a few really good laughs about their messages but after a while it really does get a bit tiring. not that I don't like to flirt and talk naughty, but Facebook is where my mom is, all my friends are, relatives... It's not the first place I want to talk about cumming and penetrating.
... that's what this place and y! are for ;P
Anyways: we had a really fun anime "alldayter" with our anime club Bakanat yesterday! =D =D we watched anime and just goofed around a lot. We had a disco where this cute guy taugh us how to dance disco... he... makes me purrrr (though noooo, he's waaaay too young, like... YOUNG!). X3 And I got molested a lot by a friend of mine, she cornered me everywhere, sat on me, humped me, purred into my ear, hugged me, licked my nose, slapped my ass and kept squeezing my boobs. And we had so much fun. XDDD And I saw boys humping each other, boys humping boys humping boys humping boys; a group hump =P Yay.
Now I really feel like drawing some yaoi =3
27.2.2009
Soooo, I haven't written anything since the big valentine day party. It's not because nothing happened but because I've been so busy afterwards. Firstly, the valentines day started better than I could have imagined, I had to "relax" myself before the party because I didn't want to do anything I would regret later so... I had a 10 minutes orgasm! OMG! Woah did I feel good and energetic after that, haha XD
The party itself was beyond awesome. We had a huge black X-cross hanging on the wall, plenty of whips and handcuffs and costumes, corsets and nice decorations =D Everyone was very pretty, we all dressed up for the occasion. <3 We made these "scenes" and posed for photos. We took more than 500 photos but most of them are a bit hardcore to show online. I have one very non-hardcore pic of me and my friend Caratra here. Nothing more kinky than photo taking and posing happened, though I did get spanked properly and... licked a boot and spanked someone and stuff XP It was AWESOME =D =D =D
The the few weeks after that have flown by too fast. It was so much fun. I got a lot more horny after the party again and for that, I bought new lube yesterday =P Now all is very well. Tomorrow I am going to a cabin in the middle of nowhere with my family so it's going to be a very relaxing and nice weekend ahead, something very different. Hehehe. The only bad thing is that I cannot draw any gayporn for the entire two days I'm going to be there because there are kids all around me. And since I don't really feel comfortable with kids, of course they always want to spend alllll their time with me, weeee XP
Have you checked the main page of haikii.org? We added some nice new material there. =D
11.2.2008
My birthday was almost a week ago. And as a b-day present, I bought myself a new pet. Tachi. he purrrrsssss. ;) And is so cuute with his ballgag and everything, adorable <3 I've been looking for this for over two years and now I have it, yessss. It's a vibrator too but then again, I cannot use it because it's my pet mascot and it would be kind of icky if I would use it and then bring it with me to parties and such. Heh =P All my friends have used it as a neck/back massage thingy, it's very useful, everyone likes Tachi =P
We have a big Valentinesday party with 15 of my bestest friends on a cabin we rented. The theme of the party is BDSM. I want to buy new shoes. I already have a corset and a nice short skirt and other stuffs. And I have a long, black wig. Though my friend W looks soo much better with it than I do, he's so pretty *jealous* U_U. But I feel great about the party =D
I think the medication I am taking for my mood is affecting my sexual appetite. =/I feel as horny as always but I cannot get an orgasm without a lot of stimulants. I don't really care, I have enough toys to make it good but it's a lot more work than before. =P But I do love sex so it really is fine. ^_^
And drama. There's so much drama in life. Anyone else a target of a love that they cannot reply to? I am. It's so difficult since I feel nothing for him and. Ugh. And I might have a tiny crush on someone completely else. Cute, blond, freckles. Eeeek. XP
9.1.2009
Friday. I am drawing the "Love you like an animal" manga yaoi pages. Hot sex scenes for 8 pages, woooo, I'm so horny! XP And I have that time of month so I can't really do anything about it, I hate the mess it makes. Daaamn.
I am drinking Ouzo (a Greek liquor, very good, though I've only drank two shots), don't want to get drunk, want to draw more. Just a little relaxed =D
Sex. Shall we talk about it. I'm horny and can't have it. So I want to write about it, I've already drawn enough of it and it just makes me feel worse not doing anything. I'm like a tiger in heat. *growl* ;P
So, I had a discussion with friends today about sex. Talked about the fact that women can hardly ever get an orgasm during intercourse. I guess it's true. It is difficult. But at least for me it is perfectly possible. I can get them, though almost always I need a little help, the thrusting isn't enough to drive you over the edge.
But it has happened; that nothing else is needed but the firm cock inside and all explodes. I so want to talk to some men who take it into the ass, is it the same? Women don't have a prostate so I guess not... But did all of you know (all two who read this thing XP) that women can "cum" too. I didn't know it until it happened to me. I actually thought I had pissed on my boyfriend, there was so much fluid. Haha. But oh gods it feels amazing. Squirting. Found what it was called after searching for an explanation from google. Google is a girls best friend, even when it comes to sex =P
What was my point again... Yes, women can come too, I mean, they can squirt. It's been studied and the fluid that comes out is not the same that lubricates the things during sex, it's something clear and more liquid... though nodoby seems to know exactly what it is. But it does make a mess because there's so much of it coming out, it really is like an ejaculation, it just flies out and gets everything messy. XD
Okay, why the hell am I talking about this? Aaahahaa. That, ladies and gentlemen, was your Friday babble of the week, please come back in a week for more *bows* Now I go and draw more sex that I cannot have, ARGH!
... I drew a penis tutorial! =D 
3.1.2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Really starting to feel the stress when reality sinks on me after the holidays. It's been an awesome time to just relax, see friends and family and not worry about much. But everything good ends eventually, I guess ^^;
So, yesterday I decided to have a little relaxing night at home with my usual (friday) bottle of red wine, good food and movies. After a movie, I was reading Harry Potter and new yaoi manga's that I got from my friend Andrea <3 And then, after drinking about half a bottle of wine, I started to become extremely horny. XP
Okay, it happens often, it's not that weird for me, I am, after all, a horny drunk (though I don't think I was drunk then, only after two glasses). But... you know, having sex should satisfy you, not make you hornier, right? Well, it really didn't work like that with me. I was calm for about an hour afterwards and then I had to have another go. (Btw, I bought this tiny pink vibrator and I LOVE it! *fan* XP). Finally, after browsing a lot of gay porn sites and watching yaoi and stuff, I was ready to go to sleep. But... I couldn't sleep. I couldn't consentrate on reading either so I started to... do other stuff. AGAIN! I finally fell asleep after 3am, after probably waking up every single neighbour I have because I am so god damn loud in bed and cannot help it.
I had no hang over in the morning, so sex really is healthy. And finally I felt satisfied. But I cannot remember the last time I spent so many hours of the night just fucking. XD But it WAS a very relaxing night XP
12.12.2008
Looky, it's Friday and here I am, drinking wine and writing this blog/journal thingie again =P It's been a good day, I met some dear friends (Shuji <3, Heini & W), we also redid Shuji's site here at haikii and I've been relaxing all night. ^_^
A lot has happened. I moved, the net was down for about a week so if you visited the site and stuff didn't happen, that's the reason. Now my server (and me) has a new wonderful home =D And did you see THIS?
I kind of miss my downstairs neighbour. She was loud, I heard her yelling and fighting with her boyfriend, I heard all their parties and she was soooo loud in bed. The constant Ah Ah aaaaaah Oh bbbaaaaaabyyyyyy was kind of entertaining, in a way XP The new apartment has good thick walls so nothing can really be heard here, expect the drilling from the renovation site next door, where they start the work at 7am. Wooop!
We visited Helsinki with Ktiraam, the trip was absolutely awesome and we spent so fucking much money that I feel sick just thinking about it XD But I got a lot of new yaoi manga and some coooooool figurines and clothes and stuff... ^_^
Lots of shit too... My aunt has breast cancer. I am so scared. I love her, it's scary. She was just in a surgery and all went well, but you never know. My other aunt died of breast cancer 7 years ago, after that I've been terrified with it. U_U But I try to stay hopeful and cheer my mom up, she's really really scared too.
I'm afraid to masturbate because the next day after I have, I bleed! WTF!!! It doesn't hurt, it feels fucking good but then... urgh! >.< I shouldn't have anything wrong with me but it's weird. I just want to be able to FUCK (myself). Urrrr.
14.11.2008
My tipsy Friday journals are baaack =P I guess that means I'm doing better. I think so. =D At least I have a helluva lot of inspiration to draw and paint and I just send the next chapter of Pain and Pleasure to the betareader so it should be up soon, really, this time, really!
I am also:
1. Moving. about 200 meters, to a bigger apartment with a nice big balcony and a little tub. To an apartment my mom owns. I wont have to pay a full rent.
2. Going to be away from college all spring. To get better with my own pace. I will graduate on christmas 2009.
3. Uh, having relationship issues. Or better said, issues with someone who wanted a relationship, me; not. I do not want a relationship. And it kind of feels that everyone is suddenly coming onto me, really. I've been groped by guys and girls lately. Woah. XP
Not that I wouldn't mind a little affair. A fuck buddy, just sex and nothing more. Someone to kiss. I miss kissing. But no feelings attached, feelings will get you screwed over and not in the good way. X3
Actually, I realized the other day that I am fine by myself. I will know I have found the man of my dreams when I can say that I'm more happy with him than I'm alone. And when I can say that he's better than my vibrator. AHAHAHAA XP
Oh and I can have orgasms again! WOOOOOT for cumming!!! <3 <3 <3 I actually use it kind of like a way to tell how I am going to be feeling. When I can't get off, I know the next day is going to suck and I have to take it easy. When I can cum, squirt and scream so that my neighbours freak out, I can be pretty sure that the next day is going to be good. XD I am back to horny meeeeee. You'll see it in my art soon too, I hope, when I finally finish any of my sketches.
Though I am extremely worried about what will happen with my private-sex-life once I move to my moms apartment because she tends to drop by unannounced, ugh. >.<
29.10.2008
You know the day is going to be perfect when it starts with a freaking panic attack. Whoop!
After 5 weeks of getting better, I had scheduled myself to be well this week to return to school because the new classes start now.
So, 5 weeks ago I though, 5 weeks is plenty, so I feel like shit but in 5 weeks I'll feel better.
4 weeks ago: I feel like shit but in 4 weeks I'll feel better.
3 weeks ago: I feel like shit but a little bit better, in 3 weeks I'll be fine!
2 weeks ago: I feel okay'ish but still like shit, but in 2 weeks I'll be just fine.
a week ago: ... I still feel like shit. At the beginning of the week: I stopped thinking. have to go to school and that's it.
On monday I should have had a few classes. I decided that they weren't that important. And didn't go, I just... didn't go.
On tuesday I had a few classes in the afternoon. Mom invited me to drop by to eat before that. I went there, couldn't eat, couldn't talk, couldn't look her in the eye. Mom sat me to the sofa and asked what was wrong. I went hysteric, cried so hard I couldn't talk. She told me she would walk with me to the school. Well, when the classes started, I was still crying and sitting on the sofa.
On wednesday (today) I had school from 8am-2pm. I left home at 7.50am and walked to school. Stopped 3 times, stood in the middle of the road ready to turn back. It felt difficult to breath, tears were coming into my eyes and I couldn't see. It was really difficult to breath, my hands shool. I got to the door of the school building and started crying, again, hysterically. I couldn't go to the classroom and turned away. I went to the park and walked around, almost went to see the nurse, walked away, almost went to see the nurse, walked away...
I'm seeing the psychologist tomorrow. Hopefully she can tell what I should do. it seems I am not going to graduate next spring.
The good news is that I'm still drawing and writing. <3
19.10.2008
Has it really been this long since I wrote the last time? I'm better now. Not well yet but better.
Anime I'm into right now:
Trinity Blood (Perfect <3)
Howl's moving castle (always wonderful)
Manga I'm into right now:
Trinity Blood (perfect!)
Fruits Basket (just waiting for the next volume <3)
Crimson Spell (<3 <3 <3)
Naruto (always)
Books I'm into right now:
Drawing blood > Pobby Z. Brite (perfection, blood, gore, sex and love)
The Chosen > Ricardo Pinto (a magnificent story)
Lost Souls > Pobby Z. Brite (vampire's, sex, drugs and rock'n roll <3)
Ennen aamunkoittoa ei voi > Johanna Sinisalo (trolls and orgasms XP)
The man who fell in love with the moon > Tom Spanbauer (perfect crazyness <3)
things that are not working right now:
mind
sex (I can't fucking have an orgasm!)
schoolstuffs (blah)
moneystuffs (even more blah)
consentrating (nope, not working)
Random things I'm into right now:
painting > traditional styles (copics, water colours, ink, rawr <3)
reading books (lots and lots of books <3)
writing (PP continues, slowly but surely. I am so hyped!)
walking (for hours. it's Fun!)
meds (la la la)
relaxing (yeah right XP)
whips (raurrrrr, I bought a new one <3)
here's a random catboy. Because my art these days is very random and I draw weird things. I'm allergic but this kind of cat I would like to have as a pet =P
29.9.2008
OMG, I am going to talk about something serious for once. XP
I have a burn out. I mean, I am on sick leave from school, have been for over a week already and I am having panic attacks. It's no fun, but I can only blame myself for draining myself into this condition.
Last November we broke up with my fiance, who I had been with for 10 years. It wasn't an easy time for me, but I had to cope. I moved into my own apartment and started my new life in two weeks time. During all that I was doing my graduation work and 5 other courses in college. I failed a few of them but managed to finish the 60 paged graduation work in time. One day after I presented the work in front of the teachers, I went to work. And then I was at work for 4 months without a break. I once had a 3 day break when we went to Animecon, that was all the holiday I got. When my work ended, school started. And on that weekend was also my brothers wedding.
So, I had just started school. I was exhausted at that point but what could I do, I just had to keep on going. I only have this last year to finish all the missing classes and graduate. We agreed with my friend Ktiraam that we would go on a little trip to Stockholm as a "holiday", it was a 3 day trip.
About a week before the holiday I almost got sick. I got a slight fever and all the other symptomes of a fever. But I refused to get sick because I had been waiting for that trip for almost half a year with no free days. I had to get there. I started to stress incredibly much. Slowly I got better from the fever, but I started to feel worse in other ways. I got head aches and these slight panic attacks. My stomach hurt horribly all the time.
And then the trip came. It was one big, long, 3 day panic attack. I could hardly breath, my heart was beating crazy, I felt like crying, I was exhausted, couldn't sleep, couldn't consentrate, couldn't smile. Thank goodness for Ktiraam for being so wonderful and being there with me and trying to calm me down. We had a few really fun moments when the panic lessened momentarily. It never actually went away but for a few moments I could even laugh and joke and walk normally. And I could eat at least something. I ate a whole plate of shrimps and two energy bars the second day there. ^^;
I wished so badly that it was going to end any time, but it didn't. When I got home, I was so exhausted that I could do nothing but lay on the bed and cry and cry and cry. I had already seen the school nurse and I called her again, a few days later I saw the psychologist of the school and got the first few days off from school.
Now it's been over a week. I still get attacks. The worst one I got last week when I visited the doctor. All was well with the doctor but I was so nervous that after it I almost fainted. I could see black spots in my eyes and had to lay down. I couldn't breath and almost cried. it lasted almost half an hour. Later I got breathing/relaxing excercises that help a lot. I 'm not okay yet, just this morning I was so down that I couldn't eat, think or do anything, just laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling. But I got over it, my mom took me to a two hour walk to the beach.
So I know I am going to beat this. One of the biggest things that help me is painting and drawing, so I do that a lot. And I am thinking about the P & P story a lot. I can't write it yet because for some reason my stomach hurts really badly if I sit on front of the comp for a long time, but the story is living. and I am drawing S & X a lot ^___^
6.9.2008
What would a friday be without an entry here? X3 So, I've taken a habit of telling about those little weird things running inside my brain during these entries and this is... friday; I have my bottle of wine and other... neccesary things that make the perfect friday =P
Last weekend we had my brothers wedding. And it was absolutely awesome! Great. <3
For some reason I've gotten this picture about arranging weddings: it's busy, it's stressful, everyone's one edge. But this wedding... it was so incredible to see two people who are so in love that nothing will come between them. No matter how much stress and hurry the wedding was, it didn't matter, they just wanted to marry each other. it felt unbelievable to see my brother smile that "I-am-the-luckiest-man-alive" smile at the wedding. I've never seen him like that. I am so proud of him. <3
Some day I want that too. I want to believe in true love. I've seen it, I've felt it. It just wasn't forever. My Godmother was at the wedding too. She was just leaving when she whispered to me, with a sad expression: "I always hoped the next wedding we were gonna celebrate was going to be yours." ... I sighed, smiled and said that that's what life is like. And I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel sad. I didn't miss him.
At this moment I feel that I am not ready to fall in love. I'm not ready for a relationship, not ready to do anything very serious. I want to enjoy my freedom, all the new things, opportunities, living for myself and being comletely independent. I love it. And it doesn't mean that I am not feeling some very strong emotions. My art is my lover. I write my story and I live it, I feel those emotions that the characters feel (this is also why the next chapter is so hard to write, I hate to feel the pain Sajore and Xir'ag are feeling). I fall in love, I cry, I laugh, my heart aches, I giggle while writing, I shed tears. It's the same with drawings. Some drawing make me feel so much that it's painful to paint, sometimes I cry and paint, sometimes it really hurts, physically almost, but at the same time it feels good because... feeling feels good.
And I feel love. I mean, I haven't felt alone since the "divorce" 10 months ago. Before that I felt alone a lot, being alone at home and waiting for the person who I thought I should be with. Now I am happy by myself. I have friends who I love and who care for me, I can satisfy myself, there's no problem with that and my imagination gives my life a whole new perspective. I can live these "love-stories-of-the-century" inside my mind. They make me feel, good and bad and in love. I feel it and I don't miss the real thing because... I know this sounds bitter; but the real thing is never as good as the story where "everyone lived happily ever after".
I don't really believe in true love in this world. Not in the sense that everyone has that one person waiting for them. Maybe there are several, maybe we just make our own destiny and there is no "plan". I sure hope so, because right now I'm just going with the flow and enjoying everything to the fullest and what ever happens, it will happen if and when it happens. <3
I must say this: tonight I am missing Venice. Oh gods I am missing venice.
17.8.2008
After reading my last (horny) entry, I need to write a new one. This weekend was sort of a break through to me. Sort of. At least it was really fun. We were at a friends, Dino's birthday on Saturday with a big bunch of friends. There were basically about 10 of us girls and one boy. We spent the morning with my friend Meablie, buying bananas and condoms and went for a coffee. It was raining after that when she biked home and I met Ktiraam. We went shopping for a gift and found a Severus Snape figurine that we thought would be a perfect gift. And it was. Dino loved it. Snape ended up in bondage gear, hanging from her lamp <3
The night started slowly, we chatted and drank a little bubbly wine. And then I dug out my whip (I bought this cheap bull-whip about 6 months ago). And we started whipping. None of us had done it before, so we practised outside, trying to get the whip to snap and to hit something... else than our own legs and arms.
And, ummm, okay, I read these amazingly hot and wonderful bdsm books called "Deviations", where the dom Tobias is a seriously fucking god at whipping. And those scenes always make me drool and wiggle. But I had no idea that the whipping would be get into a state of... complete pool of drool on the floor. I really moaned when the whip hit something the right way and made that snap... oh gods, even thinking about it makes me feel very dizzy. X3
I told about it to the others. There were five of us taking turns at whipping and soon the others were joking at me, when I went all week legged and let out these very weird "oooooouhhh that sounded good" comments. XD And in the end, when it was my turn, I found a new addiction.
I want to do this. I want to really learn how to use a whip, because it's so god damn hot!
So... we broke the whip completely. It was about 1,5 meter long when we started and when we ended, it was about 0.5 meters. It just crumbled and broke. ^^; Now I'm searching for a good, strong whip. Any recommendations? ;D Oh gods I want someone to practise with. To make practise scenes, to practise whipping and tying and stuff. It makes me... happy.
After that we put condoms on bananas because some of the girls had never practised it before. We threw condoms full of water at each other and decorated the house with them. It was goofy and funny and insane. And we watched Transformers, all curled into big mass of people. It was awesome ^__^
We left home and midnight and walked for 1,5 hours. I got home feeling very tired and very satisfied and still, hungry for more. Now I have a goal... ;)
15.8.2008
My work is almost done for the summer. Two weeks to go. And boy am I glad about that. I am so freaking tired I want a break. Of course when work ends, school starts. So... woot XP Thank goodness my brothers wedding is on the weekend work ends, I can really celebrate and relax ^___^
So, my boss is driving me nuts. He seems to think I'm a superwoman. He has no idea what a human being is capable of, so he just gives me stuff to do. And more stuff. And more stuff. And more stuff. Like now, I'm making 5 websites simultaniously. @_@
Then weekend comes and I've been waiting for it eagerly all week, just working my ass off and trying to keep up my social life during the short nights. And I want to do all the things I don't have time to do during the week, but I'm so damn tired that I don't have the energy. I often buy a bottle of wine and relax during friday, if I'm not spending movie nights or bdsm-talk nights, like I have been doing for the past month or so. So actually today was the first free day friday in forever. And what did I do?
I biked for 1,5 hours, ate a salad and watched Bones and drank the mentioned bottle of wine. And... you know, there are angry drunks, tired drunks, crying drunks (my ex was one of those) and then there's... horny drunks. That's me XP
I dig my favourite (new) toy from the closet. And the very nice lime-cactus scented lube. And I have my bottle of wine. And I relax. Damn. I... I'm having the best sex life I've ever had and I'm all alone to enjoy it. I've gotten to know a lot of things I didn't know people can even do. Like female cum. Squirting. It is not an urban legend I tell you XD And I am so damn horny, I do it too often. Maybe I'm a sex addict. I obviously talk/think/draw/write it too often for my own good. Or then I'm just (too)active. Or (too) daring. Or stupid. Oh hell, who knows, but I'm having the time of my life so I don't care =P . I just hope nobody I know in real life isn't reading this. Well, except for my friends, who hear this from me personally, they don't care =P <3
And you know, I had this old vibrator that I thought was really cool. And then one day it just froze over, god that was frustrating. And then I broke this "dolphin" toy too, which would have been nice but now it's really just a toy that does not move. Argh. I bought this new toy a few weeks ago and I am addicted. It's pink and it shivers and it's almost silent and thick and beautiful. ... I know, I shouldn't be writing this. XP aaaarrrr to myself. I hate taboos. Why can't great things be talked about? Like... I know people who don't masturbate at all. And... why? It's not hurting anyone, it's not bad for you. Actually an active sexlife reduces the risk of getting a heart stroke, so it's good for you! ;D And it should be talked about because sex is beautiful and it makes you feel good and it doesn't harm anyone. Besides, it's good to know yourself before you jump into bed with someone else, at least then you'll have more confidence and daring. ^___^
ohhh boy. I've really taken a habit of writing here when I've drank some wine. I'm not a big drinker. You can see from the date of these entries. The last time was over a month ago. And I know that tomorrow I'm going to think... oh hell, did I really write that in there... but who cares, I'm the queen of pervs. =P
And talking about pervs. I'm seriously considering getting into scening. If I only knew someone to... you know, get me into the circles. I don't know anyone here. I know who to contact, where to go, but I am still so incredibly shy in real life that it's a big step. I mean, it's easy to talk about, write about, read about, draw about, but actually doing it. With real persons.
I would love to.
Oh well, I still have a bit of wine left and there are good things on tv so I should go and stop babbling about my weird life. I'm pretty sure nobody's reading this anyways. If someone is, I would really want to know it, because it feels like I'm talking to myself here. Which... I don't know, is okay too. This is therapeutic. I'm just too stressed and don't have enough fun in life there days. Too much work.
... though we have a BDSM halloween party coming with a very few selected people invited with a secret invitation to a secret place full of... secret stuff... ;D
Until next time
~ Z
5.7.2008
It's been ages since I last wrote into this thing. Not that I wouldn't have had a lot to say, but I've just been too busy. My school ended for the summer 2 months ago, now I've been working, making websites, like this and this. ^__^ Other than that, things are just... well, busy.
3 of my paintings/drawings got deleted at DA btw. For showing "underaged characters in sexual situations." Ummm, Naruto, Sasuke and Harry. All descripted as 18 year olds or more. In no more sexual situations than hugging and kissing. For gods sake @_@ Oh well, I am very very happy about this place at the moment ;) <3
Right now I am spending a nice free night by myself. After a very nice birthday party at PenPens place. ^_^ I was supposed to draw, but that didn't happen. Work is draining away my creativity. It's also almost 1 am and I'm a little tipsy. I've made a rule with myself a long time to never do anything online while I've drank alcohol, but then I realized that that was part of the old me, the me that was me when I was part of the two-person team with my ex. Now I'm completely and wholly myself and do not need such rules. ^_^ ... or so I think now that I feel superior and extra cool because I've drank 3 big glasses of wine =P
And talking about my ex: he's been calling me nonstop for a week. He had a BIG fight with his current girlfriend and her sister and now... uh, I don't know, he wants to be friends. He came to watch a movie here last weekend and called today again if he could come and visit. I said no. Every no makes me feel a bit powerful, you know, I was really... subdued when I was with him, I didn't even realize it until I was released and could again be free.
Oh well, I'll try to handle him somehow. Until now it has worked, I've just seen him when I've really felt like spending time with a friend. Nothing more. Actually, this time by myself has given me so much time to think about myself and my life. And I've sort of come into a realization. I'm not bi. I might be pansexual. But I've never been with a woman. People might take it weirdly when a 28-year-old doesn't know her own sexual orientation, but I was 18 when I met my ex and for 10 years I was completely loyal to him so I didn't even think about it.
Now I've realized that I like a lot of thing, but amongst those thoughts, one thing has become clear to me: I cannot date another straight man. Not like my ex anyways. He would have to be very openminded. Or bi, or transsexual. Or... something. I saw some people at Gay pride last weekend at Helsinki, who sort of opened my eyes. I've been looking at the world a little differently after that and... there are so many things so wrong in this world. Especially in the way people think. But that's a story for another time.
Now I think I'm just babbling. I don't really know, but I believe that time will eventually tell everything I need to know. After all, I do believe that dreams come true when you believe in something strongly enough. I've seen it <3
Who knows, talking about romantic life, I might never find the one that's meant to be with me, if there is such a person, may he/she be... what ever he/she happens to be. If I fall in love, it will happen. =) For now, I am very happy and satisfied to be by myself, art is my great lover that will forever keep me satisfied and will never abandon me ;) (And really, a person can have a very active and healthy sexlife by him/herself, so that's not an issue. More than anything, I miss hugging and kissing, and hugs I get from friend. I guess I need a kissing friend XD). Actually, this bring a thing into mind: I get a lot of comments in Elfwood, asking if I'm just too horny for my own good, or in need of a man... if those are the reasons why I draw so much gay related images. Well, I am constantly horny, but that's just my nature. And I can satisfy myself, I don't need a man for that, I haven't been unsatisfied since I learned how to... well, you know the drill, you're yaoi fans =P
Anyways. I feel very floaty and happy and light and stargåte is on TV so maybe I will now go and plot for future pictures and stories. I've downloaed a few nice japanese/korean gay movies and Meablie brought me a nice package of Japanese gay porn last week <3 <3 I feel so inspired at the moment, my hands are itching to do some art and there's a pile of unfinished work waiting next to my bed. ^__^
<3 ~ Z
3.3.2008
The last week has gone by TOO fast. There's only one week left before my next graduation work seminar. I have over 20 pages of text now, but most of it is philosofical artistic crap, because that's what I love XP But I'm pretty sure my teachers will hate it anyways so... I'm just having fun painting oekaki's and doing PaintChats ;D And I'm rather enjoying spending my days in the library making the work, weird!
Next weekend I'm going to see Cristal Snow's gig with a few friends. I can't wait, OMG, I'm so excited =D =D =D I know he can't really sing, but he is damn pretty! <3
I just send the ch 20 of Pain and Pleasure to the beta and the chapter 21 is done too, since I wrote those two at the same time. Both are 20 pages long... the chapters are just getting longer, hehehee ^^;
24.2.2008
So, I decided to start this blog here at PP because I always feel like I'm disturbing someone when using my LJ/DA/y! journals. This blog will have some random thoughts and perhaps also some rants that I just have to let out. And nobody has to read this so it works all well. I just need to get a code that lets people write comments, I want that, eventually, right now though; no time.
Today is my dad's birthday, happy birthday dad, I love you <3
And then... uh, there are a lot of things happening: I have a one weeks time to write about 20 pages of my Graduation work, on monday 3.3.2008 I have the seminar where I have to introduce the subject... and I have only 15 pages of the 40 I should have. I am so screwed! And I haven't even started the case yet... ahahaha.
And I just want to paint my own stuff. I have this one huge painting of S & X under work and I want to continue make it, but have no time. And I'm supposed to paint for school, not just doodle randomly. And I finally started to ink my summer-yaoi-manga, that we are going to publish at the Animecon 2008 at Tampere with Ktiraam and Shuji. I now how a 17 page long story and it's about BEEB! Not going to tell XD But I do have some random page doodles about the characters so you will be seeing what it's about before summer. And it's in english, so if someone is interested of purchasing it, it's on sale on the net (paypal payment only), it will be about 60-70 pages long with three stories, from me, Ktiraam and Shuji, it will costs somewhere around 9€ + postal costs. =D
I've also almost finished the chapter 20 of PP, and I am so excited about where the story is going. Things are really happening now. =D The chapter spread into 36 pages so I have to split it in two, but that kind of works out really well too. I've been writing a lot lately, which, of course, I shouldn't be doing, all I should be writing, is my graduation work. Damn, I want to write yaoi, not theory about interactive digital painting XP
Last week was Tracon, I was in the shounen-ai/yaoi panel with two other people, talking in front of a huge auditorium and another one with video stream from the panel... so, about 200 people were watching. And if you didn't know: I am scared to death about being on stage. XD But I survived and even kind of had fun a little. People said that they had no idea I was so nervous and that I said smart things. Thank god I could control myself, I had a huge nosebleed on the morning, that's how nervous I was XP My friends Shuji, Ktiraam and Waltsu were watching, which helped a looot! And I got to meet some awesome artists (Kujaku, Foxy, Rinde and so on) and even a few fans <3 ^___^
I'm supposed to be searching for a job for the summer, but how in the hell am I supposed to do that in the middle of everything else. Not to even mention my phone bhobia, I cannot call anywhere and it makes it really really hard to find a job ^^; I'm glad I have a time to see the psycologist next wednesday, he always calms me down and now I really need advices. Last time I tried to stay calm and of course went all skitcho, he usually wants to see me once a month, but now he booked me a time just two weeks after the last one. Ooops.
It's already been two weeks from our Evo trip, the cabin trip to the middle of a huge nature reserve area where my whole family visits once a year. The trip was really fun, I got to meet my brothers new family for the first time and got to ice swim (5 times=D), but I also kind of lost it and cried in the back of the cabin half a night while by brother and my sister and my half sister tried to calm me down ^^; But it really... opened something up, I have felt completely different after that. It often feels like I'm just going to burst open and cry, but at the same time, I feel sort of... calm and a little more whole. <3 I've been single now for 3 months (the day after tomorrow). Wow, time flies! And I haven't seen my ex for weeks.
I just filled out one of these stupid "get to know me" meme thingies, so here's that if anyone finds some fun in reading it or filling it too:
1.Raised in: Lahti, Finland
2. Planned baby: yes
3. Birth date: 5/2/80, Aquarius
4. Any siblings: one bro, one sis, two stepbros, two stepsisters
5. older or younger: 39 and 38 (,28,26,28,30)
6. Hair color: naturally blond, right now bright red
7. Hair length: a little over shoulderlenght (overgrown and horrible XP)
8. First school: Vuorikadun Ala-aste
9. Eye color: Greenblue
10. Shoe size: 40
11. Mood: Blah
12. Smell: CK, One =D~
13. Height: 177
14. Lefty/Righty: righty
LOVE LIFE:
1. Do you remember your first real relationship? yes. =P
2. Do you believe in love? kind of, maybe. yes... maybe.
3. Shortest relationship? 1 day.
4. Have you ever been heartbroken? yes, many times.
5. Are you liking someone now? no, not ready yet
6. Have you ever fallen for a friend? yes.
7. Are you afraid of commitment? no. not commitment, just getting too attached and getting hurt.
8. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes.
THIS OR THAT-
1. Love or money? both? XD right now: money, in a few years, love.
2. Coffee or alcohol? Neither... well, maybe alcohol.
3. One night stand or relationships? one night stand please
4. Television or internet? net!
5. Pepsi or coke? pepsi
6. Fun night out or romantic night in? one conbined with both?
7. Phone or in Person? in person, i dislike phones even when talking normally. netsex is... lonely.
HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? no. I was never watched over like that, I could go out when I wanted to.
2. Have you ever skinny dipped? Yes =D last time two weeks ago (ice swimming ^^)
3. Have you ever done something you regret? yes, many times.
4. Have you ever been on a house boat? nope =O
5. Have you ever finished an entire jawbreaker? whatTheHell is that?
6. Have you ever colored your hair? about every other month.
7. Have you ever been streaking? ahaha, yes.
ARE YOU:
1. Are you missing someone right now? ... yes. though I don't want to.
2. Are you talking to anyone right now? no
3. Are you German? no
4. Are you Italian? no
5. Are you French? no
6. Are you Russian? no
7. Are you Norwegian? no
8. Are you Indian? no
9. Are you Irish? no
10.Are you Mexican? no
11.Are you polish? no
12. Are you Puerto Rican? no
13. Are your parents still married? no
(WTF?)
DO YOU:
1. Do you get depressed about things easily? yes. I'm very positive, though sometimes
everything just blows up to my face.
3. Are you comfortable with the way you look? not really.
4. How do you dress? weirdly. (long striped socks, skirts and shirts with weird texts...)
5. Are you scared of growing old alone? well, right now, a little, but... uh, not really,
because right now I want to be alone, but... ugh.
6. What do you want to be when you grow up? a artist. I want to paint and get enough money from it to live comfortably.
8. Are you a vegetarian? definitely not
9. Current song your listening to? Ari Koivunen, angels are calling
(hometown boy won the idols and he is so DAMN talented that it hurts <3)
The next entry should be a lot shorter, I just had a lot of things to write out this time. Congratulations if you actually read all of this! XD <3