www.Zardra.com

Series: Original - Wild Love universe
couple: Jesse Mäkinen & Gabriel Karlsson
Warnings: romance, angst, growing up, friendship, kissing, will follow with NC-17/K-18 material
Chapters: This story is a WIP

Disclaimer: The characters are not real, any happening reminding something real, is just a coincidence. The characters and story are © Zardra

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Chapter 3.
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It was the worst night of his life. He lay on his bed, unable to sleep. Finally the sun rose up and warmed his bed uncomfortable. The weather was completely unsuited for the situation. He stared at the sun like from a dark cloud, not really seeing the light. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t have the energy for it. He never wanted to get up again. He felt sick and powerless. His phone was turned off and he ignored the ringing of the alarm clock, too tired to lift his hand to turn it off.

He turned around. And around. And finally had to run to the bathroom, ready to throw up, bunching the wall with his fist and ending up screaming into the toilet.
And then he was sitting on his bed, staring at his phone. He turned it on and stared at the screen. “1 message”, it said clearly. He stared at the phone, fiddled with it, turning it over in his hands. He was so scared. He couldn’t open the message.

What if it was from Sarah, or some idiotic team mate of his? It would break him completely. And what if it was from Gabriel? There was still a chance. There had to be! Gabriel couldn’t end it like this, that would be too cruel. He pressed the “Open” button and waited as the phone slowly opened the message folder. “Message from Gabriel” the
screen read and Jesse’s heart started racing. The tears from last night blurred his eyes again. He couldn’t hope for anything, was ready for the worst and so he pressed “Open” again.

Sender: Gabriel
Received: 03:25
“I came to Finland for you. You are the only one who I will stay for. It’s up to you.”

He stared at the screen and felt his skin burn, his heart stop and his eyes water. He bit his lip so hard he tasted blood and then he was crying, honestly crying like a baby. He curled around himself and squeezed the phone into his hand. It took a long while to calm down enough to be able to see the phone again. His eyes were dry and he felt empty. But the nervousness hadn’t gone anywhere. In some ways it would have been easier if it would have ended completely, but now, he realized, it was just beginning. Because if Gabriel wouldn’t end it, he wouldn’t be able to do it either.

He was really scared. ‘It’s up to you’, Gabriel had written. That freaking bastard knew how hard it would be for Jesse! But then again, he had known all along that he would have to take the leap eventually if he wanted anything to change. And here it was. Now. Right now and here. This moment. He stared at the phone again, read the message over and over and over until he had the courage to close the message and to press “call”. His breath was coming out in shallow gasps and he was sure he was going to faint or vomit any second.

Gabriel answered sooner than he had expected. Actually he had been afraid he wouldn’t answer at all. That maybe he had left and would be gone, that maybe Jesse was late after all. But then he did answer. He was very quiet and sounded strange.

Jesse felt like his lungs had suddenly decided to start a strike. “Can you come here?” he finally whispered when he had listened Gabriel’s breathing for a good minute. The man closed the phone without a reply.

And Jesse had to wait.

And pace.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He ran to the bathroom and washed his face and brushed his teeth. He tried to get his hair into an order but gave up. He didn’t really care what he looked like, Gabriel had seen him sweaty and tired and angry and puking so this was nothing. He got dressed into fresh, comfortable clothes and opened the window. And then he sat on his bed to wait, too nervous to do anything but to stare at the floor and trying not to think about anything.

The doorbell rang and he got up quickly, moving like a robot. He walked to the door and without speaking to the intercom, pressed the downstairs door open. He heard the click of the front door and then footsteps from the hallway. He opened his apartment door and waited until it was yanked from his hand. He stepped back and let Gabriel in.

He stared at the man with disbelief. Jesse felt the same tightness in his chest that he always felt when the man walked in. But this time it was different. This was different, he was here for a completely different reason than before. And Jesse was scared, but he was also faint. Gabriel was here for him. Not just as his friend but because he had actually travelled to another country to… to exactly what and why, Jesse was a little unclear about still. But he had to get all the answers today. He was ready. He looked slightly up to meet the taller mans green, tired eyes.

Gabriel looked like he hadn’t slept at all either. His eyes were dark and he looked very serious and tired. Yesterday’s smudged make-up was still around his eyes and his hair was open and hung limply, framing his face. He was wearing an old, beat-up t-shirt and sweatpants. Still he managed to look wonderful. Jesse would have smiled if he wasn’t ready to collapse from anxiety.

They stared at each other for a long moment in the hallway until Gabriel walked past him without a word and Jesse followed until they were standing in the middle of his miniscule bedroom. Jesse didn’t know why Gabriel had walked into this room, but he guessed it was all the same where they talked. And he had always felt safer in this room. Maybe Gabriel knew that? Gabriel sat on his bed and waited silently until Jesse was sitting next to him.

“Are you going to run away again if I start talking?” Gabriel asked with a serious expression after a short moment of silent sitting. Jesse could hear anger and worry in his voice.
“There’s no one to blow you now so…” Jesse answered, anger suddenly spilling over. “Why the hell did you have to do that? You didn’t come up with any other way?!” He glared at Gabriel from the corner of his eyes, squeezing his hands into fistswithout even realizing it. Gabriel sighed loudly. “I tried to explain last night whyI did that. I’m sorry, it was a stupid idea, but I was desperate.”

Jesse sighed deeply, tried to calm down and rubbed his hair with his fingers, nodding. “Yeah. it was.” He was angry, but only because of that one thing. And he did realize that without that scene, he would have never gotten himself desperate enough to call Gabriel and ask him here. Anger would lead them nowhere, he had to stay calm. But still, he didn’t trust himself enough to open his mouth. The last thing he wanted was to anger Gabriel. He could leave. And if he would…

He felt his head spinning and a surge of nausea washed over him. He could barely keep from vomiting, the reaction was so strong. With panic he jumped up, moving his hands on his mouth. “No.” he moaned hoarsely to the walls. He wanted to yell out. Say that he didn’t want to continue this like this. With such fear. He was so afraid! He couldn’t look at Gabriel, but he heard movement from behind. The other man stood up slowly behind him. Jesse was breathing hard, his whole body shaking. He cringed when he felt a touch on his shoulder.

“Try to calm down. Everything’s okay now. I’m not going anywhere until we’ve talked about everything.” Gabriel said with his low calming voice. The anger was gone and replacing it was worry. Jesse was absolutely horrified, frozen in place.
“Look- can we at least sit down? I’m scared you’ll actually run away if we’re standing.” Gabriel asked finally when Jesse did nothing to turn.

Jesse nodded. Slowly, once, and turned around, opened his eyes to stare at the floor and walked the few steps to the bed and slumped down. He still felt sick but he knew that standing around and staring at the walls wouldn’t make him feel any better. He saw Gabriel’s feet moving next to him and then the bed moved as the man sat next to him.

Jesse kept staring at the floor, hoping that Gabriel would do the talking, because he had no idea what to say, no matter how many questions swirled in his mind. He couldn’t voice them. Gabriel had promised to stay until they had talked about everything, which made Jesse think that maybe it would be better if they didn’t talk at all, then there would be no risk of Gabriel going away. But the silence was long and pressing and soon he wished something would happen. Gabriel wasn’t moving and Jesse didn’t dare to see where he was looking. He didn’t feel eyes on him but he
knew both of them were waiting for something.

Gabriel must be nervous too? He must be, this was so unlike him. He hadn’t really thought of that. Gabriel never got nervous. But now he was tense and pale and serious. Jesse knew he meant what he said when he was like this. Gabriel moved slightly and Jesse replied by glancing at him. Gabriel was looking so sad. He stared down to the floor and seemed to be deep in thought. What if he would just stand up and go if nothing happened? Jesse couldn’t stand the thought.

Again without thinking he opened his mouth and really looked at Gabriel. But he didn’t know what to say and when Gabriel looked back at him with his soft, big, green eyes, Jesse just twitched his fingers and swallowed hard. He shook his head, he had to say something. The whole situation was making him feel horrible. But how could he explain? How could he really… open up?

He felt himself tensing and felt panic rising. He tried to look calm but he knew Gabriel could see the fear in his eyes. He shook his head and swallowed again. He tried his best to calm down his painfully beating heart. And still neither of them said a word. Jesse felt like he would soon suffocate if nothing would break the silence. And just then Gabriel suddenly opened his lips and whispered just loud enough to hear.

“Can I touch you?” he asked. Jesse stared back. He didn’t know what Gabriel meant? Why did he ask that?
“Just your hand.” Gabriel whispered and Jesse found himself nodding quickly.

Jesse’s hands were on his lap, he had been twisting and turning them without realizing he was doing it. Now he lifted his hand slowly. Gabriel extended his hand to his and softly touched his fingers. His own were coarse and just as warm and strong as Jesse remembered. Jesse held his hand still though his brains told him to run away and yank his arm away. Then he moved his finger, caressing Gabriel’s thumb.

Their hand played together, softly touching, searching. Slowly fingers moved between fingers and entwined together. Finally they were squeezing each others hands and Jesse had to close his eyes. He wanted more. This wasn’t enough. He needed, no, yearned for Gabriel’s touch. Had for such a long time. Maybe from the first moment they met. He didn’t know what to do, how to do it, so he just moved his leg until it pumped against Gabriel’s. He felt his warmth even through his clothes.

And then he realized that these small movements and the closeness had helped him to kick his fear away. Now he dared to look at Gabriel, who was still looking at him with his bewitching green eyes. Jesse pulled, slightly with his hand and fell slowly onto his back on the bed. Gabriel followed the movement, slowly starting to fall on Jesse. The movement seemed to take forever and then the tall man was leaning over him, his other hand next to Jesse’s head. There he stopped and looked down at Jesse, who could do nothing but stare up.

He could hardly be still, he was so- he didn’t know exactly what, thrilled, excited, happy, nervous, scared. He took a shaky breath and hummed to himself to fill the silence.

Then Gabriel suddenly spoke, his voice still hushed, but urgent and solemn.
“I know I made a shitty thing to you last night, but in my mind the idea worked…much better than in reality.”
Jesse didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to break the peace they had just created, but he had to. Besides, he wanted an answer. “Why did you think it would work? What in the world were you thinking?” Jesse asked, sounding slightly angry but also curious and tired. Gabriel looked sheepish and sighed. “I knew I needed something big enough to trigger your jealousy, or something- to trigger you to act out.”
“So you were ready to get smacked?” Jesse asked, lifting his eyebrow. “If you wanted to show me something big, you would have had much better results without shoving it into another guys mouth.”

Gabriel looked at him with slight shock in his eyes and then chuckled nervously. “Oh come on, you’ve seen my dick before and it hasn’t affected you… that much.”
“It hasn’t?” Jesse answered and suddenly felt a lot more cheerful and sure of himself, this was the old Gabriel, not the nervous and serious one he had faced this morning. “Then why every time I see you naked, my pants suddenly get too tight for my taste? And don’t call it a dick, it makes it sound smaller than it is.”

Gabriel laughed with a slight blush on his face “What am I supposed to call it then? A cock? I don’t want to call my dick a rooster, it doesn’t sing in the mornings.”
“I bet I can make it sing.” Jesse winked and they stared at each other stunned how quickly the situation had changed and how comfortable it felt to joke like this. And then Gabriel’s mouth twitched and he started to laugh, pressing his head against Jesse’s chest. His body shook and he squeezed Jesse’s hand. Jesse couldn’t help himself but started to laugh too, quietly first, then louder until water was running from his eyes.

His laughter turned more into crying and suddenly he didn’t know which one he was doing. He lifted his leg on the bed and twisted into a curl, pulling Gabriel to hold him tighter. Not that he realized he was doing it. It was so subconscious.

Finally all the emotions he had been holding back for so long were erupting from him and now that he had started, he couldn’t stop. Gabriel must have noticed, because his hold on Jesse tightened and he hugged him tightly until they were almost spooning. When Jesse finally started to calm down, Gabriel was stroking his hair like a child’s and Jesse chuckled nervously. He was ashamed. But when he tried to shrug Gabriel’s hand off, the man just shushed and continued.

“Your hair is dirty.” he finally whispered and Jesse snorted. “So is yours.” Gabriel laughed softly. Jesse wiped the tears from his face as unnoticeable as he could. “Fuck. I don’t do this.” he groaned. Gabriel loosened his touch a little. “What? You don’t snuggle?”
Jesse laughed with a dirty, angry laugh. “Yeah. I don’t snuggle. And I don’t cry. I
don’t do any of that gay stuff.”
“Well, okay. I do, so…” Gabriel answered calmly, shrugged lightly and kept stroking his hair. Jesse didn’t know what to say back. He sighed. “How can you say it so easily?”
“Say what?”
“That you’re gay.”
“Um… well, because I am. It’s that simple.”
“No, but I mean… no… it’s not that simple.” Jesse tried to reason. He couldn’tunderstand how someone could voice it out with such ease. He couldn’t imagine ever doing it.

He rubbed at his eyes. He felt imminencely tired. Gabriel on the other hand seemed to be wide awake.
“Why is it so horrible?” Gabriel suddenly asked and almost scared Jesse. He had been drifting off to sleep. “I don’t know. It-” Jesse searched for the answer but didn’t know it. “-It’s wrong.” he finally whispered hoarsely.

“By who?” Gabriel asked back and Jesse was surprised by the softness of his voice. He would have guessed his answer would have made Gabriel angry. But he had no answer to this question. Maybe because there was no answer. He didn’t know. It had just always been like that. His brains were starting to hurt. Maybe he had been wrong all along, he didn’t even remember why he had always thoughts so. He sighed tiredly and turned slightly so he could see Gabriel’s face.

He started when he realized how close Gabriel’s face was from his. His eyes were right in front of him. He had never been so close to the other man. he could see the slightly darker, almost brown circles around Gabriel’s iris’s and the deep green of his eyes was just so… green. Jesse almost groaned and all the sudden he had no idea what he had been about to say or do. And then he was grasping Gabriel’s face onto his hands and reaching for his lips, desperately, hungrily.

And Gabriel didn’t stop him when he kissed him. He kissed back with such passion that Jesse was sure he had never felt anything like this in his whole life. The tall mans body pressed against him and Jesse lifted his leg on top of Gabriel’s, pulling him even closer. His fingers tangled into his dark hair and he moaned against Gabriel’s lips. His hands were pulling and then pushing and then stroking and suddenly they were in Gabriel’s neck, caressing him under his shirt and Gabriel’s hands were adventuring inside his shirt, lifting it up his stomach. Jesse grounded himself against Gabriel and the other man returned his movement. He felt him hardening against him.

And to his shock and surprise Jesse didn’t feel guilty. He didn’t feel like he should stop or to shut his mind out of this. Instead he wanted this with his every soul and brain cell. He felt close and intimate and scared and shocked how things had went this way so quickly, but he didn’t feel ashamed or disgusted with himself. Gabriel’s touches felt right and oh so good. His body fit his so perfectly, they were like two pieces of one complex. Every part of their bodies that touch felt like it belonged right there.

He let out a sound he had never let out when being this close to someone, something between a sob and a plea. And then suddenly Gabriel pulled back and Jesse realized that he had scared the other man with the sound. He shook his head and pleaded with his eyes, his lips were dry and aching for more, his hands were scratching Gabriel’s back softly.
“Are you okay?” Gabriel asked and Jesse blinked. Why wouldn’t he be? Then, to his complete shock, he realized that tears were running down his cheeks again. “Oh shit.” he whispered and lifted his hand to wipe his face when Gabriel’s strong hand stopped his. He shook his head again and tried to hide his face from Gabriel but the man nudged his nose and he lifted his eyes again. Gabriel looked alarmed. “Do you want to stop?”

“No!” Jesse almost shouted and then cursed himself. What was wrong with him?! He never acted like this. He had never cried in front of someone from the day his brother… when his brother had told him how sick it was to be gay. To like guys. To try to kiss one.

Suddenly anger flared inside him. “Fucking bastard, asshole, freaking asswipe, that fucking-“ he would have continued if he hadn’t caught Gabriel’s shocked expression. He stopped and sighed deeply, trying to release his hand from Gabriel’s hold. “Not you.” he said and then almost laughed. And then he did laugh. Hysterically he laughed and pressed his face against Gabriel’s chest. Gabriel loosened his hold from Jesse’s wrist and finally let go of him, stroking his hair away from his hidden face. Jesse was shaking with the hysterical laughter that threatened to turn into a cry again.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Jesse mumbled against his shirt and sighed loudly, trying to calm down, failed and burst into laughter again.

Gabriel looked down at him with helplessness. He didn’t know what to do so he kept holding the blond man until his body stopped shaking and his hysterics seemed to stable into a tired swallowing and sighing.
“I think I’m pretty much screwed up.” Jesse mumbled from under his brows and looked up. His blue eyes were circled with red and swollen. Gabriel shook his head calmly. “No more than you’ve always been.” Jesse glanced at him again and a silly giggle escaped his lips. His eyes went wide and he slapped a hand onto his lips. “Aw fuck.” he said after a while.

Then he flopped onto his back and like an afterthought, pulled Gabriel after him so they were face to face. “I can’t continue my life like this.” he whispered. His eyes were closed. “I’m so fucking miserable. Nothing feels right. It’s like I'm in a play I want to quit but I’m stuck.”
“Just quit.” Gabriel said quietly back and Jesse opened his eyes. His face twisted.

“Gabriel, I’m so fucking scared.” he said so quietly that the dark man barely heard him.
“If it helps anything, I’m here for you.” Gabriel answered. Jesse looked deeply into his eyes and frowned. “Will you be? When things get rough and I do something stupid. Will you still be there?”
“Hey man, I came to Finland for you. To be with you. Would I really give up so easily after I finally get you to myself?” Gabriel asked with a little cheeky grin on his face.

His answer made Jesse blush. “So you actually, um, meant that?”
“Hell yeah I meant it. You thought I was joking?”
“I don’t know what I thought. Stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life. I still can’t believe this is really happening.”
“If I haven’t made myself clear yet, it is happening and-“ Gabriel stopped suddenly and to his surprise Jesse saw his cheeks reddening. “You want to know why Sarah has been avoiding me since that one night at the bar?”
Jesse was a little surprised by the sudden change of subject, but he was curious too. “Yes I want to know, it’s been bugging me a lot.” Jesse said feeling little annoyed, he didn’t like being left out of things.

Gabriel grinned and his blush darkened. Jesse lifted an eyebrow.
“I told her that I am in love with you, and that I will take you away from her because you belong to me.”

He seemed to choke in his words and his breath stopped and he waited for the judgement without moving, his eyes closed. He was almost completely still, though Jesse could feel him shivering. Gabriel was prepared to hear a cold laughter or cursing. But Jesse just stared at him, dumbfounded.

That was all he could do; He felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. He had heard a love confession so many times in his lifetime that he thought that he had grown numb to it. But it seemed it had just been that the confessor had been the wrong person.

And it seemed that this one was the right one.

Because Jesse was very close to fainting. And he seriously couldn’t talk, he was afraid he would seem like an idiot if he said anything back. Not to mention the strange lump in his throat that threatened to rise up and push some unwanted words out of his throat. Words he was not ready to say yet.

But his face was speaking for him. When Gabriel dared to look at him, he saw something on his face that had never been there before. Gabriel had learned to read his emotionless features quite well during the summer and he had never seen him look like this. A mixture of gentleness, desperation and yearning was plastered all over Jesse’s normally so blank face. And Gabriel couldn’t help it when a small shy smile broke onto his blushed face. It wasn’t one of those every-day nice guy smiles he was always wearing, but a kind of smile that made Jesse feel so faint he saw stars dance around Gabriel’s head.

And then Jesse was pulling Gabriel down to him, pleading him to come closer and kissing him deeply. He couldn’t say it yet, but he wanted to show it and nothing could express his feelings as well as his actions right now. He poured every ounce of the longing and want he had felt for the dark man since he saw him for the first time. His arms went below Gabriel’s armpits and made it easier for Gabriel to climb on top of the blond.

There they were, locking into a tight embrace, yearning for more. Gabriel’s hands grasped Jesse’s blond hair and stroked his cheeks, cradling him softly between his arms and making him feel safe. Jesse felt a bubbling laugh rise up his chest and couldn’t stop it from escaping his lips but Gabriel just smiled back when he laughed against his lips. He was sure his eyes were watering again but for the moment he really didn’t give a damn.

~~~

To chapter 4